Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. SANE Australia are highlighting the issue of mental health for men in direct response to recent and startling statistics for suicide rates of men in Australia, particularly men between the ages of 15-54.

As SANE rightly state: 'We think its important to get men talking about mental illness'. 

There are approximately 2500 suicides per annum in Australia with 75% by men. An average of 6 men per day are taking their own lives. We as a community cannot continue to remain passive in the face of such terrible realities.

​In my 25 years working in mental health, I have seen a slow, incremental increase of men accessing mental health services. This is great but clearly it is still not enough. As I have observed in my private practice, men continue to struggle against the tide of unhelpful stereotypes around men expressing feelings, for example, I heard a sports commentator on the weekend say this exact line in relation to a young sports driver: 'He needs to drink some liquid concrete and harden up'. These types of statements and unhelpful beliefs are still strong in our society but they do need to be addressed and hopefully changed. Alcohol and other drugs are often part of the overall story and can provide the terrible 'dutch courage' that can increase a man's thinking towards awful and dire actions. 

The ABC commence a program tonight called 'Man Up' which appears to be about the attitudes of men towards mental health and why men struggle to open up about what they are thinking and feeling. I urge people to have a look at what I think will be a wonderful and helpful program.

I think these statistics do show that we all need to support the men in our lives better. Whether it is our son, brother, partner, boyfriend, husband, father, grandfather, uncle, co-worker or neighbour, we need to be asking them how they are and if they do appear to be struggling, to gently guide and support them to receiving the care and treatment they might need.

Some good resources to keep in mind include:

Mensline Australia - 1300 78 99 78
SANE Australia - 1800 18 72 63
Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467
Lifeline - 13 11 14
Beyond Blue - 1300 22 46 36

One of the issues I have been increasingly noticing for my clients is the question of the impending plebiscite and the impact this is likely to have on the perception of the LGBTIQ community.

I have the great fortune of working with a number of young people who have chosen to disclose their sexuality early on and thankfully they have received the best possible love, care and unconditional support from family and friends. Of course, this is sadly still not always the case.

These same young people are now faced with the prospect of a highly public media campaign to support the respective 'yes' and 'no' views on the subject of legalising gay marriage. Sadly, this is having the worst possible detrimental effect on these young people. I am witnessing first hand the fear and distress the prospect of this campaign is having on them, a most distressing sight to see especially when it is completely unnecessary.

These beautiful and brave young people are now facing a new possible threat to their sense of worth and well being as a consequence of this debate. Although many of us may not relate to the dilemma gay people have to face in talking about their sexuality, one would hope enough of us know that the right to marriage is a basic human right, to love and be loved by a person regardless of gender or what their sexual preference happens to be.

I hope the so called 'grown ups' in the political, social and religious realm allow common sense to be the  force in which they make their decision. Most importantly, I hope they take note of the of the fresh trauma and damage an already vulnerable group of people are now being forced to accept and come to terms with.

There are many good reads out there on the impact sexuality can have on a person's life and circumstance. The one I have read most recently is by the wonderful Magda Szubanski called 'Reckoning', one of the best autobiographies I have read in recent times. The 2015 movie 'Love is Strange' is a stunning portrayal of two older men in a long term relationship choosing to get married in New York and the fallout effects this decision has on their lives. 

As one small 'grown up' voice, I want to express my full support for gay marriage. Lets get on with sharing, loving and living our lives with the person who matters most to us in holy matrimony if we so choose.

The first children's hospice in Queensland is opening in Chermside this October. This is a joint initiative created by the Hummingbird House Foundation and Wesley Foundation to support children with life limiting illness. The website is worth a look at to get a full sense of the beautiful place they have been creating for children and their families. There is a specialist paediatric palliative care team attached to the service who provide support and care for the child and family.

Coles Supermarkets are accepting donations at the register and I urge people to consider the small donation of $2 which they add to the overall cost of your shopping. We live in a precarious and unpredictable world at times but knowing there are great people out there putting their time and energy into making the most devastating of circumstances a little easier for people dealing with the loss of a child is both reassuring and heartening. 

Everyday in my work as a psychologist, I have the great privilege of working with many wonderful people. In a session recently with one of these great people, I was reminded of something important about the questions we ask ourselves.

"What do I need?"'. What a nice, simple question. My thought was, how often do any of us when we are feeling distressed, angry, frustrated, unheard, misunderstood, overwhelmed or anxious actually ask ourselves this simple question? My suspicion is for most of us, not often, if at all. Our negative emotions can so quickly take us over and keep us locked in an emotional maelstrom that we are lost to anything but the distressing feelings.

What does it even mean to ask ourselves this simple question? Well, to me it means we recognise we are important, how we are feeling is relevant and to address the idea of what we need in that moment is part of honouring, respecting and caring for who we are. 

In my years as a therapist, I have consistently learnt more from the people I have worked with then I have from reading a book or in a lecture hall. This is another great example of the power of experiential learning. This person had worked out that asking themselves, "What do I need?", was not only okay but important.

In a therapeutic context, we call this a mitigating question. This type of question can help slow down our thoughts and ameliorate our emotional response; to observe our thinking and feeling state and to allow space for self soothing and self care to come into our consciousness. I hope pondering this example of a useful question helps you too. 

Okay, in case you have not come across this one already, I highly recommend you take 10 minutes out of your day to watch a wonderful TED talk by Brene Brown on the topic of Vulnerability (easily found via a search on YouTube).

Brene is a social work researcher who has looked into a number of different emotional variables from a research perspective and this talk highlights her discovery of the importance of vulnerability to human health and wellbeing.

Her research originally started in the area of human connection, that we are all neurobiologically wired to be connected to others and that connection is the basis for what brings meaning and purpose to our lives. Without giving away to much, the TED talk highlights her personal journey to a number of extraordinary and highly valuable insights into how vulnerability can in fact positively shape and influence our experience of life and relationships. 

I have watched this fantastic talk a couple of times now and wrote down a few pithy and inspirational statements including:

'What makes me vulnerable makes me beautiful"

"I need to be compassionate to myself before I can show compassion to others"

"We are all worthy of love and belonging"

"We need to let ourselves be seen"

"I am enough"

I do hope you will take the time to watch this short talk and that you find what Brene has to say as fascinating, relevant and useful as I have.

I was reminded last week of the fragility and unpredictability of life when my beautiful sister in law Yvonne died suddenly. I am always astonished by the complete punch to the system losing someone you love has on you at all levels, that is, physically, mentally and emotionally. Yvonne was particularly special as she had already survived a rare form of cancer at the age of 35 but managed to live another 30 years full of many adventures and much happiness.

I have spent a lot of my years in my work as a psychologist helping people process and deal with the after effects of losing a loved one and this is a good time to remind myself of the importance of the grief process. Firstly, there is no formula for grieving, everyone will grieve differently. It is important to think about the person you have lost and allow the stories of who they were to you to surface and be recalled. Talking about the person won't bring them back but it gives you a way to keep them in a place of importance within yourself. Self care is critical including eating well, sleeping well, focusing on positive activities and indulging in things that give you a lift e.g. massage, pedicure, manicure. That each day will be different for a while, adjustment to a significant loss will take time. How much time? Whatever time you need!!

I have found a number of books helpful in dealing with grief but there are a couple which I think have stood the test of the time. These include:

'Coping with Grief' Mal and Dianne McKissock
'On Grief and Grieving' Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
'A Grief Observed' CS Lewis

Mostly importantly, I think we need to remind ourselves to be kind to ourself. The heart will need time to heal and anything that is healing will cause some pain along the way and thats okay too.

So March is proving to be such a busy and fast paced month already. Here are a couple of quotes I found recently that have helped me to slow things down and get that all important perspective back. I hope they help you too.

"People will forget what you said,
People will forget what you did,
But people will never forget how you made them feel"
Maya Angelou

'I myself am entirely made of flaws
​stitched together by good intentions'

Happy New Year everyone!! I thought it might be helpful to share a resource that I use a lot in my therapy called "I Have Rights". I give this out to people regularly as it appears to help them maintain awareness about these core psychological principles which really are universal. This is especially helpful for those who have experienced significant childhood trauma, survivors of domestic violence and for people with long term self esteem issues. I hope you find this helpful too.

I was lucky enough to attend an excellent two day workshop on Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) for individuals last weekend. This course was run by a delightful EFT therapist from Canada, Dr Veronica Kalos-Lilly. EFT is primarily about honing in on our feelings and giving the feelings an opportunity to bubble up and be acknowledged. This technique was originally formulated by the work of Dr Sue Johnson who noticed in her work with couples that acknowledging and slowing down the thought content and focusing on the emotional content provided a powerful therapeutic release for the client. Attachment theory forms an important aspect of this treatment approach, with the basic premise that we are wired to be emotionally connected to other significant people from birth. Attachment figures in a sense make or break how we feel about ourselves, for example, if we are fortunate to be raised by a loving, warm, caring person (essentially our Mothers and Fathers) we are likely to feel securely attached to others and more importantly within ourselves. If we are struggling with the consequences of what are referred to as "attachment injuries'. our early experiences of early attachment relationships are likely to have been fractured or even absent. This then has consequences for both our sense of self and our self in relation to others especially in our primary relationships. I see the potential for EFT to make a therapeutic difference to clients and a lovely compliment to the skills I have been gathering and honing for myself over the years. If you are curious to know more, I would recommend Dr Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight". 

I have done a lot of reading in the last month with some great publications recently hitting the book stands. Among these has been Rosie Batty's 'A Mothers Story'. Okay, this is not cheerful reading BUT certainly important reading as our community comes to terms with the enormous and complex problem which is domestic violence. Rosie as Australian of the Year is using her platform to keep the conversation highlighted on this difficult and often ignored issue. Something  has to fundamentally change in the homes, schools, workplaces and communities which are effected everyday by this terrible, destructive problem. There are no winners in the world of domestic violence but we need to keep the conversation going to ensure changes start to happen. I have much admiration for the courage Rosie has shown in telling her story at a still difficult point in her life. I feel a responsibility to honour her courage by ensuring I am playing some small and positive role in keeping this issue in the forefront of people's minds. If this has sparked your interest, please take the time to read her book. We all have something to contribute in helping change happen.