Pondering the question "What do I need?"

Everyday in my work as a psychologist, I have the great privilege of working with many wonderful people. In a session recently with one of these great people, I was reminded of something important about the questions we ask ourselves.

"What do I need?"'. What a nice, simple question. My thought was, how often do any of us when we are feeling distressed, angry, frustrated, unheard, misunderstood, overwhelmed or anxious actually ask ourselves this simple question? My suspicion is for most of us, not often, if at all. Our negative emotions can so quickly take us over and keep us locked in an emotional maelstrom that we are lost to anything but the distressing feelings.

What does it even mean to ask ourselves this simple question? Well, to me it means we recognise we are important, how we are feeling is relevant and to address the idea of what we need in that moment is part of honouring, respecting and caring for who we are. 

In my years as a therapist, I have consistently learnt more from the people I have worked with then I have from reading a book or in a lecture hall. This is another great example of the power of experiential learning. This person had worked out that asking themselves, "What do I need?", was not only okay but important.

In a therapeutic context, we call this a mitigating question. This type of question can help slow down our thoughts and ameliorate our emotional response; to observe our thinking and feeling state and to allow space for self soothing and self care to come into our consciousness. I hope pondering this example of a useful question helps you too. 

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